How do you create an amazing life, full of happiness, confidence and self-worth to attract your perfect partner? Emily Chadbourne reveals all.
Show Notes & Resources
Emily, tell us about your life…
- I'm from the UK, but spent most of my 20's living and working in corporate London and loved it.
- Eventually I fell in love with a guy and moved to Melbourne, Australia.
- When we broke up, I came to the conclusion that I was 33 and I didn't really like myself.
- That realisation, on top of being on the other side of the world from my family and friends was a real shock for me.
- I didn't like the behaviour I was displaying or the person that I had become.
- That was my big epiphany that I could change *me*, if I'm the common denominator.
- This was the thing that started my journey into personal development, spending hours and thousands of dollars learning who I really wanted to be and consciously creating the life that was perfect for me.
- A big part of that, for me, was about having a relationship.
- I began investigating how men works, how women works, how attraction works and what love really is.
- Eventually people starting asking me for advice and it all snowballed from there.
- I decided to stay in Melbourne and have surrounded myself with amazing people and an incredible relationship with surprises me more and more every day.
- Now I teach women how to have that sort of lifestyle.
- That lead to this label ‘dating coach' and I certainly do help people to date, but really what I teach (women specifically) is to create a phenomenal life that you love and, once you've got that, love can't help but come into your life.
In the men's world, there's this ‘pick up artistry' thing and the term ‘Dating Coach' would normally mean someone who teaches guys to ‘get the girl'. How do you view that?
- Language is a really funny thing, so let's talk about this.
- And some of that stuff is what I teach. Things like what to say, how to say it, the tonality to use, etc.
- But that is just fluffy icing with no cake to hold it up, if you haven't sorted out *YOU* first.
- Techniques can work, but if they are just techniques then there's nothing there.
- If you have found tools and ways to fill your own happiness, yourself (if you're continually externally looking for validation from someone else and pinning all of your hopes and dreams onto someone else), then you're never going to be happy.
- You're unlikely to have a very meaningful relationship until you have sorted yourself out first.
Lots of people talk about finding someone who will ‘complete them'. Is that dangerous to find someone who makes you happy, when you're not completely happy yourself?
- That's the big question of life, isn't it? I think lots of people are looking for a quick fix for happiness, because we live in this world of instant gratification.
- Happiness is a habit, but habits are only habits if they are done habitually.
- People try things and dabble with little tools and techniques but when they don't see instant results, they put them down and walk away from it.
- You have to be willing to put the effort into being happy. The techniques are simple but not easy.
- To really achieve the baseline of happiness, you have to address the ugliest things about yourself.
- You need to ask questions like ‘Is this really the very best version of me?' and if it's not, then ‘Why not?' and those questions are tough sometimes.
- Sometimes you don't want to ask those questions because you know the answer and you want it to be someone else's fault and someone else's problem.
- The moment you externalise that stuff, you literally can't be happy. You're giving all of that control away.
- The first step is to take full responsibility for all of your actions, non-actions (and all of the results that spin out from that).
- You have a responsibility to do that for yourself. I've never seen a situation where someone hasn't taken responsibility for everything and it's worked out.
- No one wants to take fault for what has gone wrong, especially where someone else was involved and there's someone easy to blame.
- If you're constantly dating ‘wanker' men, perhaps there's something about you that is bringing that into your life?
- Everything that the universe gives you is partly a reflection of who you are.
- That's why it's so dangerous to look externally for someone else, because you're looking to fill a void in your life but that person will never fill that void.
- You need to be the person that you want to be in a relationship.
If a relationship doesn't equal or create happiness, so where does a happy relationship fit into a fulfilled life?
- That's a phenomenal question!
- The clients I tend to work with are awesome women who are popular, know how to socialise and are doing really well in their career but they can't find a partner.
- So often, we uncover that there is this fear that they aren't aware of that being in a relationship will cause them to have to give up a little bit of who they are.
- People think that being in a relationship is impossible because they are so focused on their career or business right now.
- It's those subconscious fears that we just don't give enough attention to, or we don't even know they are there.
- These fears guide our behaviour and guide the decisions that we make and the sorts of subconscious thoughts that are emanating out from us.
- That means that women self-sabotage, avoid relationships or just vibrationally repel them.
- It's not because they are doing anything wrong. In fact they are doing everything right.
- It's just a thing that is coming from within.
- I think that if you are seeing what you have as another human being to offer and to share, that's a very different mindset to looking for a relationship that will fit into your life.
- When you find someone really phenomenal, nothing about your life changes for the worse. Everything becomes better.
- It's not about change. It's about taking this amazing life and having someone else championing it and enhances.
- You need someone who believes in you as much as you believe in you (not more than you). There's room in any relationship for that.
- Women are biologically wired to think about time differently to men.
- If we can live more in the present, when something like epic love comes along, it doesn't shift our identity.
- If you're scared that there's no room in your life for a relationship, then you're missing out on epic love.
- This isn't easy though.
- I had someone say to me “When you fall in love it's just unconditional”, but that's bullshit. Love is full of conditions.
- Love is a choice and should be at the top of your priorities if that's something that you want.
What are the differences between helping a woman find love and a man find love?
- I've recently been getting so much more work from men and taking on male clients, which has been interesting.
- What I coach is really self-worth to attract love, with tools and techniques on top of that and there's really no difference.
- I am obviously going to have to talk in sweeping generalizations.
- Men and women really do think differently and we are different creatures.
- We also get so bombarded by social conditioning and with the entire rise of social media the whole world is in your bedroom at any one time.
- That means we're also constantly comparing ourselves. If you ever want to feel shit about yourself just look at popular people on Instagram and look through their photos.
- Social conditioning has a big part to play in the stereotypes of men and woman and how we act.
- Resourceful, on the path of enlightment, amazing humans are ALL looking for connection and love.
- There are people who are repelling connection and love, but we're all craving it.
- While the techniques are slightly different, the premise is the same.
- Literature has always been released to make woman sound like man-eaters and men sound like pricks.
- In summary, men and women are completely different BUT there are different types of each.
When you have your life on-point and heading in the right direction, so how do you know what you're looking for from a relationship (and what they need too)?
- Sometimes love comes in really unexpected ways and in unexpected people.
- I'm a BIG believer that you should have some kind of criteria.
- It all starts by knowing what your values are and they need to match the values of your partner.
- Quite often, especially with women, there might be some values that are slightly off but their lack of self-worth makes them think that doesn't matter.
- We try to mold the other person and change them but that never ends well.
- Relationships are always full of compromise and everyone has niggles but the core values need to be aligned.
- You do need to make sure you aren't so rigid that you aren't open to meeting people on face value.
- You have to assume that everyone you're speaking to could introduce you to your future partner. I call it the ‘Ripple' effect.
- Be honest with yourself and visualise the person you want to be and where you want to be in your life and your relationship.
- Don't have a partner JUST because you want a partner or because you don't want to be lonely. It's a bad vibration.
- You need to come from the idea of abundance and immerse yourself in the type of life that you want to be living. Get clear on what you want and know that you're worth it.
- It's important that you don't get so wrapped up and excited by someone new that you forget about the little things that, after two years, become ‘punch you in the face' things.
I've seen people actively looking for a relationship, and I can understand that. Is that the shortcut to just settling for something?
- Yes. There's nothing lonelier than being in a relationship but feeling alone.
- But that tends to be what happens when they ‘settle'.
- The dating strategy is that I teach is that you should stop dating men/woman and start dating life.
- When the man/woman of your dreams does rock up, the timing will be perfect and you'll be in the perfect stage of your life and in love with yourself.
- As opposed to sitting on one end of a table on a Tinder date with the ‘Are you going to be my boyfriend?' mentality.
- I don't see that as being the route to the most amazing, firework-ey relationships.
- People do settle very quickly and it all comes from a place of fear of being alone.
- Dating apps have created a real ‘sniper' mentality for dating, which is a shame. Just systematically dating people to see whether they are going to be your husband or wife for evermore.
- Dating should be fun. Falling in love should be fun. Experiencing the world around you should be fun.
What should we be doing to find our perfect relationships?
- You should be talking to everyone and be as sociable as you can.
- Your perfect partner isn't going to just come and knock on your door.
- Practise the art of conversation because we're so scared of socialising.
- We get so scared about initiating conversations with strangers.
- I talk to everyone and interact with the world around me and the more you do that, the more you get back.
- The more interest you take in life, the more interesting life becomes and the more interesting you become.
- It's when you do that, that you rock up to a date and you are a more valuable and interesting person.
- Start saying ‘Yes' to stuff, like in the film ‘Yes Man'.
- We are kind of trained to shy away from new and scary things so we say ‘No' a lot of the time, but we should fight that and seize opportunities.
- For example, if you shy away from an invitation to a barbecue because you don't know anyone, but that could be a killer opportunity to meet new people and socialise.
- What's the worst that could happen? If you hate it, you could always go home.
- So take opportunities.
When a relationship ends, it can be really tough. What do you recommend that people do to grieve the end of a relationship and move on?
- Language is the key here. The way that we language our world creates our reality.
- Your thoughts create your feelings, not the other way around.
- Be careful with the words that you use about the ending of the relationship.
- Focus on the story that you're going to tell as that will shape the reality that you are.
- When my partner and I split up 3 years ago, there was a big drama around it all and I decided that I didn't want that to be my story.
- Friends and family allow you to ‘pity party' and sit in it and say things like “I always knew he was a wanker” and that's just not necessary, and especially dangerous when you're grieving.
- Your relationship becomes your story and I chose to handpick 3 people who would accept me in every contradictory way that I would show up (angry, sad, wanting him back, etc).
- It's okay to have a combination of feelings when someone creates a void in our life and it's okay to feel those feelings.
- Find the people who will let you sit in those feelings and will accept it, but with everyone else just stop telling the story.
- This will perpetuate the feelings about your ex partner and about the future too.
And into the quickfire round…
What is the best self-development advice you've ever received from someone else?
- “Be the person that you want to date”
Can you give us a personal ‘habit’ or personality trait that you think contributes to your dating success?
- I think that I say it how it is. I'm very aware of who I am, what I want, where I'm growing and evolving. I'm also very vulnerable and honest. The most attractive thing in the whole world is a certainty.
What are the top 3 things that you'd recommend our listeners do, in order to increase their dating success?
- Start with gratitude and look for where love is in your life. Acknowledge that.
Where can we find out more about you?