podcast

Episode 020: The 4 Internal Stories Which Hold Us Back (And How To Change Them) – with Tara Davis

The stories that you tell yourself are amongst the most influential factors in the person that you become, even if they aren't true. In this episode, Tara Davis breaks it down into the 4 main stories that we tell ourselves (and how to start re-writing them). The fastest way to to change your life is to transform the way that you see yourself.

 

The Show Notes

Tara, tell us about your life…

  • It’s been an interesting journey
  • My husband was in the military and we moved 14 different times then we moved again in and out of different countries so to this point we’ve moved 20 times
  • I’ve learned to become incredibly resilient and just go with the flow with whatever comes at us
  • The independence and the strength within me has come from all these moves and having to just go with the seat of my pants as we’re going especially in different countries when we didn’t even speak the language!
  • My strength, wisdom and knowledge come from being able to go with the flow and figuring out as we’re going
  • As a relationship and intimacy coach, my own life and through my relationship, is my biggest teacher, it’s where I glean my information from, really dive deep into my own stuff because I can’t expect my clients to do anything less than I’m doing.

Q: Along the way you must have come across challenges and struggles so if you had to identify the lowest, the worst or most difficult moment in your life, what would that be? And what did you do to overcome it? What was the biggest lesson you took away from that?

  • One of lowest moments was when my husband was deployed in 2008/9 and when he came home, he was an emotional wreck and it affected us a family in such a major way that I had to ask him to move out, so this was one of the biggest teaching moments because we weren’t surviving and thriving
  • The biggest lesson was to keep going without figuring out what that end piece looked like
  • When my husband’s retirement was approaching, he came home one day and said would you be willing to sell everything we own and leave the country with 1-way tickets – this was almost a no brainer for me to sell everything we own. So we did!
  • We had no agenda, we knew we would land at one spot, we would go wherever it felt best to go, we would stay for however long, we didn’t even know when we would come back or when that would be.
  • 2 things came up – there’s a belief about doing something and making it happen. There was so much negativity and other people’s baggage that came our way. It was almost a social experiment unfolding. You create your own experience, your own environment, it felt so freeing – just what was in our backpack and each other
  • Then we decided we didn’t want to do this anymore – we needed some real grounding.
  • That journey unfolded itself rather than trying to make it happen
  • The biggest lesson for me was just allow everything to unfold and quit trying to control every aspect of your life.

Q: How can people harness some of the lessons you have learnt in their own life even on a smaller scale?

  • Take it one step at a time, one day at a time
  • When someone wants to make some kind of change, scale it back so see the big picture then back plan – what can we do today that can propel us forward?
  • Even with the awkwardness, and the stumbling and falling, just get up and just keep going.

Q: You believe that everyone of us has one of four stories that we tell ourselves and that those stories are holding us back. What are those stories?

  • We have these four stories that are running in our subconscious mind and they affect every aspect of our lives 
  • I'm helpless, I'm not smart enough or good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not safe.
  • Start acknowledging what's a trigger for you, what makes you mad or angry and observe that
  • When we start being willing to change, start recognising and seeing pieces that are triggers for you
  • Whatever higher power you subscribe to, ask the Universe I am ready to see what this piece is. We all have these leaderboards running in our subconscious which then hold us back in our relationships, our love life, our business life. If we subscribe to those beliefs that can stop us in our tracks.

Q: Let's talk about what causes these stories in the first place, what writes these stories in our minds – we’ve looked at the symptoms already and how we spot them so what creates them?

  • We are not born with these, they are formed between years 1 and 7 from our caregivers, parents, grandparents, society, our culture, our religion, our teachers, everyone is walking around with their individual belief systems
  • our comments to everyone else is our own belief systems and that forms the basis of what we think to be true of the world from ages 1 to 7
  • From ages 1 to 7 we are a sponge, we are bringing everything into our life from everyone around us who teaches us how we are to going to see the world and how we are going to perceive it
  • We don't realise we have a choice to choose e.g. this person tells us at age 5, ” you can't afford this, money doesn't grow on trees” so we then form this financial belief that I'm not good enough –  this is a subconscious phase but until we are adults that's when we get to look at those beliefs and what is the truth for me
  • This is the juice and where I love to dive in with my clients to find out where are these beliefs and where are they coming from and which one of these are they ready to let go of.

Q: For everyone listening to this, if they can recognise some of this in themselves, how can someone begin to rewrite stories in order to create something that's going to serve them in a more positive way?

  • Look at do I feel helpless, where do I feel helpless in my life and if it immediately comes up, you know that's there for you but if you're already becoming defensive with it, then you know there's something there for you
  • Ask your heart, ask your mind where is it for me because I am willing to see where I feel helpless in this area
  • ask to rewrite your own story and that might be as scary as s*** because you don't know what the outcome might be but there's a point where you know you're not willing to stay with this anymore
  • So, you get to start asking yourself where are those areas where I just don't feel good enough and start rewriting your areas and what that looks like for you.

Q: What would you say are the top 3 actionable things that you would encourage our listeners to do right now, today as soon as they finish listening to this and to start making tremendous changes based on what you've told us today؟

  • One of the biggest things is finding what is working in your life
  • Find out one small thing that works today, give some gratitude and find out what really works
  • Surrender to your own journey and stop controlling
  • Have faith, trust what you're doing and exactly what you need to be doing.

The Quickfire Round

Q: What is the best personal development advice you ever got, and from whom?

  • My thoughts and my belief form reality so I'm continually creating my reality by what I think and what I believe.  So, if you don't like what is happening in your life, you need to look at your beliefs, change them and create your own reality.

Q: Can you give us a personal habit or personality trait that you think most contributes to your success?

  • Yes it's gratitude, surrender and trust.

Q: This podcast is all about building a more successful and fulfilling life so what does success mean to you?

  • It means living 100% on my terms – putting me first 100% of the time and then everybody else.

Q: Where can our listeners find out more about you and what you do?

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